I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dick very happy bro
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
