Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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