Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
