I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
