Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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