Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
