Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
