i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
