I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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