Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
