dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
