His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
