I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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