My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
