I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
