i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
