i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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