I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
