I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
