I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
