Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
