If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
