I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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