Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
