I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
