Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
