I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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