Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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