Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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