I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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