Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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