Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
