Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
