I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My pussy is not your playground.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
