Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
