also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
