His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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