I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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