I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
