the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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