he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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