Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
