dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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