I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
