Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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