The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
