idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She bit a glass in half.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
