Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
