i think i have two assholes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
