just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
