Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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