The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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