got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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