Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
