I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
