Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
