He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize