Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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